


amor fati

by farks



Series: the only trophy we deserve: a catastrophe [2]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-23
Updated: 2014-11-23
Packaged: 2018-02-26 17:08:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2659844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farks/pseuds/farks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gintoki looks at Takasugi, and he thinks that Takasugi hasn't changed at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	amor fati

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from epik high's song of the same name. 
> 
> i'm beginning to think that it's a theme.

Most people look at Takasugi and all they see is a cold-blooded killer. A murderer. A mad man who revels in watching the world burn. The monster under your bed. Someone who deserves to die so the world can be a little safer.

(What most people don't know is that, when Gintoki looks in the mirror, that's what he sees too. A cold-blooded killer. A murderer. The monster under your bed. Someone who deserves to die so the world can be a little safer.

 _You killed him with your own sword you sick fuck you are a murderer a murderermurderermurderer---_ )

Gintoki looks at Takasugi and he sees the cultivation of all his sins. He sees the boy he grew up with, the boy who wouldn't go down without a fight, who would keep fighting and fighting and fighting until he came out on top, victorious. He sees the brother he squabbled and bickered with ( _watch your own goddamn six you moron are you trying to get yourself killed_ ), but would still gladly take a sword in the gut for. He sees the man he betrayed. The same man who only knows how to lash out instead of asking for help ( _kill me end this finish what you've started_ ).

He sees the murderous rage in Takasugi's eye, the white-knuckled grip on the hilt of his sword.

Gintoki looks at Takasugi, and he thinks that Takasugi hasn't changed at all.

(They all went a little mad in the war. Gintoki hides it better than most, burying everything - the hurt, the memories, the guilt - under layers of apathy and distance. Katsura hides it in his stupid, obnoxious version of idealism. Tatsuma leaves before the madness could consume him and never looked back. And Takasugi, well, the bastard never bothered to hide any of it. He clutches onto that cold, precise piece of madness that the rest of them have kept locked away like it's his only lifeline, and if Gintoki had been less of a coward back then, he might have joined Takasugi.

Who knows, maybe they'd have a jolly good time raising hell and exorcising the demons of their past together. And maybe afterwards, they'd drink, they'd laugh, and they'd all live happily ever after. Like the end of any epic Jump franchise.

Instead, Gintoki runs away, and Takasugi ends up alone, a little mad even after the war ended.)

He knows what Takasugi's trying to achieve here. Gintoki's entertained the same dark thoughts himself. Become the bad guy, try to destroy as many things as possible - because no one deserves happiness if he can't have it - and if he's lucky, some guy will come along and kill him, and he gets to die a martyr in his own crusade against the world. Or he wins, and the world remains just as fucked up as it was before. Because maybe, if he gives them a reason to hate him, his misery will finally be justified.

He and Takasugi are more alike than they both like to admit, but the difference is that Gintoki's too tired to act on any of those urges. He's tired of fighting, of being angry at invisible demons that should have been banished years ago. He's tired of running away. He's tired of caring and even more tired of losing precious people, of breaking old promises. He's tired of being alone. 

Life sucked, and Gintoki was - is still - tired of it all. Then things happened, and life doesn't suck so much anymore. Stupid brats. Stupid life. Stupid people forcing him to move on with his life and actually _live_.

(It's ridiculous how Takasugi is trying to punish himself for something that wasn't even his fault. How he has the audacity to take on all of Gintoki's sins and then _blame him for it_. How he still expects Gintoki to be the one to finish him in some fucked up, masochistic version of atonement.

Privately, in some deep, dark corner of his mind, Gintoki thinks he deserves it. He owes Takasugi that much, probably. Maybe. Or maybe he should sic his brats and Sadaharu on Takasugi some day. Make up for lost time and force feed him some normalcy until the crazy bleeds out of him and everything is okay again.)

Years ago, Gintoki made a promise to protect the precious people around him. He broke that promise once, but he has no intentions of breaking it again, and that's partly why he's still here fighting. To make sure his kids are safe. To save Takasugi from himself, even if his head is still stuck in his ass, because for some unfathomable reason Gintoki still cares.

Mostly, Gintoki just wants to tell Takasugi to grow up. He also wants to tell Takasugi to go to hell, but then Gintoki would have to go all the way there and drag him back himself, and god, after all these years Takasugi's still a fucking pain in the ass.

Gintoki knows from experience that there's really only one way of getting through to that thick-headed idiot, so.

He swings his arm back, punches Takasugi hard in the face, and hopes for the best. (Just like old times.)


End file.
